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Jokes
Updated 21st October 2002
 
Bizarre Facts of This world
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal are punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
 
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
 
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
 
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah!)
 
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
 
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?. Not as great as Guam!)

 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
 
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)
 
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing)
 
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing.... )

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper is always smiling? What about the pig?!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
(Creepy!)
 
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmm....I won't touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? Did the govt. pay for this research??)
 
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the.....!" )

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh my Gosh! )

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez...)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares!)
 
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
 
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life, I STILL want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)

After reading all these, all I can say is.......Damn Those Pigs!

Laws of Life

Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

Cats

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."

"One cat just leads to another."

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you
later."

"Cats aren't clean, they're covered with cat spit."

"Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.  Cats have never
forgotten this."